The Dark Cloud of Motherhood; My truth about postpartum
You rarely hear people talk about the foggy haze.
The dark cloud of motherhood.
Dare I say the actual words.
Maybe that’s because it is a deep, dark place
no one wants to visit.
Or maybe because, facing it head on makes it real.
I don’t blame them, it’s scary. Soul sucking.
You hear about the The Haze.
Ways to prevent it. Ways to handle it.
But, rarely ever do you hear what it’s actually like.
What it’s like to live with it every day.
Yet act like you’re okay.
The Haze comes out of nowhere.
It hits you one day and soon it attaches itself to you.
You can’t shake it.
You feel it when your alarm goes off in the morning.
Rolling over to see your partner still sleeping and you can feel it.
When your feet hit the floor, you pray that today is the day The Haze will lift.
But it doesn’t.
You hear it in the sweet sounds your new baby makes.
The Haze makes every whine and cry that much worse.
You often ask yourself, “how can I do this for one more day?”
But you do.
You see it in your partner’s eyes.
It’s the space between the two of you.
They begin to look foreign to you.
As if you never loved them to begin with.
You notice it in every conversation you have.
In everything you do.
It starts to not even phase you anymore.
“This must just be how it is”, you tell yourself.
Like you’re accepting it.
Giving it power over you.
“It’s just hormones, they’ll balance out soon!”
“Get outside, go for a walk. Fresh air helps!”
“Have you eaten a good meal or exercised?”
“Go on a date night, it makes a difference.”
“You’re tired, soon they’ll sleep through the night!”
Soon months go by.
Your hormones should be balanced.
You take a walk outside every day.
You cook yourself a good meal each night.
You go out on a date.
You finally get some sleep.
But, The Haze… it’s still there.
You can feel it in your bones.
It hurts so bad. Really, really bad.
You begin to ask yourself,
“Am I the only one who feels this way?”
“Will it ever go away?”
“How can I keep pushing through?”
Then one day you wake up.
You’re sick of feeling this way.
It’s like you can clearly see The Haze right in front of you.
It was there all along.
You decide to walk through it.
You know it won’t be easy, hell it might even get harder.
But through The Haze, you can see this tiny shimmer of light.
A clear sky, if you will.
You have no idea how you’ll get to the light.
But you’re determined.
You feel like you can do this.
You KNOW you can do this.
You start to open up.
You feel like you can talk about it.
You’re scared and feeling really vulnerable.
But you know you’ll help someone else who may be struggling too.
The Haze knows how to play the game well.
And if you’re not careful it’ll swallow you whole.
I remember a few months back; Mark and I were on our way home from the store. The photo above was the sky in front of us. I can recall saying to him, “Look! The sky! THAT is what postpartum feels like. Everything is happy and sunny but hovering over you is this dark thick cloud.”
The truth is, I’ve been struggling for so long and I’ve kept it to myself. Part of me just thought it would go away and the other part of me was embarrassed. So, I tried to fight this battle on my own and it’s been really hard. I can finally see this is REAL, and I can’t get through it on my own. And that’s okay. I still feel a little embarrassed. This is the most real and vulnerable I’ve ever been on my blog or social media. It’s scary. It is absolutely horrifying but I know I’m not alone and this may help someone else out there who feels a similar way.
Ya’ll I am in the thick of it. I’m not sharing this after I went through it and am feel happy again. I am smack dab in the middle of healing. I am finally realizing it and it feels good to get it off of my chest.
I know this was a pretty dark and intense post, so if you read it all the way through, thank you. Thank you so much for going on this journey with me and hearing me out. I hope by opening up and sharing this I make other mamas feel less alone. Motherhood is hard and at times very isolating. We got to stick together and support one another. I’m no professional, but I am friend and will always be here to listen.
Share your thoughts with me! Comment below or head to my Instagram page (@iamdevonjade)!