It’s officially been one whole month since I gave birth to my son, Jasper Thomas, and boy what a month it has been! I could go on and on about this last month. Trust me, a lot has happened, and life is so different with a newborn, but I’ll begin with saying it was nothing like I expected. Let me tell you why…
Jasper’s 1 Month Update
I set myself up so I didn’t have to go back to my work until April. Being a stay at home mom and working for myself gave me those perks and I am forever grateful. Truly, I am really really grateful. I didn’t do a damn thing for a good three weeks. I warned my husband that all hands were on deck and he was going to have to help with the cooking and cleaning (and if you know me that was a big thing to let go of because I prefer to do the cooking and cleaning, I am a control freak). I planned to do a lot of resting and self-care, if you will. I planned to take these next two months to heal and bond with my baby. While I did almost all of that, it really only lasted those first three weeks.
Sharing my heart…
I really needed those first few weeks because I had surgery after I delivered so it took me a little longer to heal than most women. But after about a week and half to two weeks I got cabin fever and was ready for a routine again and for my husband to go back to work. I wanted so much to not have to heal my body and let mother nature take its’ course. After all that’s what I planned to do, this is sacred time for a woman and her baby, I wanted to do it right. It just wasn’t feasible for me. I work best with structure. But structure with a newborn? I’m sure many of you mamas are laughing at me while reading this.
I fell victim to comparison and was hard on myself for not giving myself an exact time window for this fourth trimester I read all about. I thought to myself “I need to heal and take this time with my baby or I will fail as a mother”. I was so caught up in having it “perfect” (perfectionist over here!) that I almost ended up ruining it for myself.
I hid all of my postpartum emotions because if I talked about them I would just cry. I fought with my husband more in this first month than we ever have in the three years of knowing one another and I felt so much guilt and sadness for what seemed like forever.
I know it was a lot of the hormones causing all of this, so I try not to beat myself up over it but the guilt I felt was real. I had, and still have some, feelings of guilt with the way Jasper came into this world. I felt like I didn’t stand up for myself or my son as much as I could. I also felt like I was mourning a loss. I LOVED being pregnant and to have that gone in an instant the way it happened truly upset me.
I started to see a therapist again and I forgot how freeing it felt to just speak, cry, and share my emotions without fear of judgment. Unless you’ve been through pregnancy, loss, and motherhood it is very hard to understand. So, having a professional and a real life mama listen to me felt really good.
This first month wasn’t what I expected it to be. It was even better. It made me stronger than I could possibly ever imagine. It has shown me how much love I have in my heart. And it has made me realize this is motherhood and it only gets better from here.
And while I’m sharing my heart, I also didn’t expect to share all of this in a blog post. I planned on giving you guys a physical update on my postpartum body and talk all about Jasper (who is just PEREFECT by the way). And I still will but I think this needed to be shared more. This is the real and raw side of motherhood and postpartum.
I can’t wait to see what this second month has in store. Time is going by SO fast and I am trying to soak up every second I can. I’m just happy I get to share it all with you guys. It makes it that much more special.
A physical update…
As for a physical update…I’m doing great!
I am taking a long time to heal but I am shocked with how well my body is handling all of this. I have some extra skin and my belly button looks a little funny. My hips are definitely not the same and my boobs have doubled in size. But I LOVE my postpartum body just as much as I loved my pregnant body. I am just as excited to follow this journey as I was when I was pregnant.
And Jasper, like I said, he is PERFECT. We are working on finding a routine that works well for the both of us but other than that we are taking each day as it comes. He’s growing like a weed and I’m proud to say it’s all from my breast milk! I can’t believe how much he’s grown already and I’m anxious to see what he’ll look like a month from now!
This journey has been so wild, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am doing what I have been called to do and loving it.
Share your thoughts with me! Comment below or head to my Instagram page (@iamdevonjade)!