You know those vivid memories that stick in your head and make you feel like they just happened yesterday whenever you think about them? Well, this is one of those memories.
Ever since I was a little girl, playing with baby dolls, I knew I always wanted to grow up, get married, and have children. Back then, and even up until just a few years ago, I was very naïve and ignorant to the topic of pregnancy. But no matter how ignorant to the topic I was, I knew I was meant to be a mom one day.
When I met Mark we obviously hit it off right away, so well that having children was probably one of the first topics we talked about, aside from marriage. While we got married prior to getting pregnant, I’m quite surprised we didn’t end up having babies before we got married- that’s just how badly we wanted to start a family.
We got married on March 16, 2018 in Chicago. Quickly after we got back from our favorite city Mark was leaving for a week, so we decided we he came back we would start trying for a baby. To our surprise, we got pregnant on the first try and I found out relatively early, about 4 weeks pregnant.
I remember this day so well. It was April and finally warming up here in Montana. It was also a Friday and the sun was shining. I was feeling “off” that whole week but didn’t think anything of it. I took a pregnancy test that Wednesday and it was negative, so when I woke up Friday feeling grossed out by my breakfast, I thought there was no way I could be pregnant. But to the bathroom I went to take yet another pregnancy test.
On that test I saw the faintest double blue line you could ever see. And I mean it was faint. I was convinced I was going crazy and making things up. So, I dug through the trash to find my test from Wednesday (yes, you do crazy things when you are trying to get pregnant lol). To my surprise there it was again, the tiniest double blue line. Was I actually pregnant or just absolutely insane?! I had to take a third test!!!!!
I must add our toilet decided to stop working this day and wouldn’t flush. It was practically overflowing so taking another test wasn’t in the cards for me at the moment. I also had a coaching call that morning, so I couldn’t even run out and get another test.
Luckily enough, after my coaching call was over my friend called me to see if I wanted to go to the gym. I was planning on going anyways but I also had a bigger dilemma I was trying to solve. Nervous and excited, I told her everything- from my possible positive pregnancy to my broken toilet. Like any good friend would do she said “okay, let’s go buy you another test and we will take it at the gym.”
I bought another test, peed on the damn stick at the gym, and guess what…another TINY, faint double blue line.
Trying to put it out of my head (HA! Yeah, right!), we worked out and decided after we were finished at the gym we would go to Target (duh) and get a better test (shout out to Clear Blue digital lol).
So, there I am in the Target bathroom peeing on a stick. By this time, I am a pro at this and didn’t care I was in a public restroom waiting to find out the results of my future. (Side note: Mark is at work while this is going on, so he has no clue, lol).
I shove the test in my purse and hurry back to the car waiting to grab the test back out of my purse to read the results.
I immediately screamed the words to my friend and we both started crying. I was really pregnant!!! My intuition was right!
Now the fun part, how to tell my husband. I really wanted to surprise him and get his reaction on camera. Easy enough, I can tell him I need him for my blog and he’ll agree to help me out.
Once he got home I told him I really needed him to take pictures with me for my blog post I was writing about our wedding. He believed me and agreed to take some photos. Little did he know it was a video and on the count of three I pulled out my positive pregnancy test and shouted, “I’m pregnant!!!”.
For that whole weekend we kept this awesome secret to ourselves and soaked up the greatest news we could have ever asked for. I couldn’t believe we were having a baby! It happened so fast!
That Monday we went to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy and start the process of getting prenatal care. Eager parents-to-be we had so many questions and were just SO excited!
I was about 4 weeks along and our little bean’s due date was December 26, 2018. A CHRISTMAS BABY!
This made me a little nervous because I couldn’t picture myself giving birth on Christmas, but I knew I would be happy if that’s what it came down to.
We went on that week still on cloud nine and me waiting for symptoms to start appearing. Nothing changed though. Instead I felt more and more like my normal self. I had energy and was working out as normal, no sickness, nothing. In fact, I remember saying to Mark that whole week “I don’t even feel pregnant!” while preparing myself for what was to come.
Sunday rolled around, and Mark was at work, I was at home cleaning. I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. In a panic I called Mark hysterical. He rushed home right away. We of course googled a whole lot and everything we read said bleeding was normal in the early stages of pregnancy. So, we decided if I was still bleeding tomorrow we would go into the doctor.
Sunday passed, and Monday morning came. I was getting ready for work when all of a sudden, I got the worst cramps I have ever felt. I truly thought I was getting my period, so I ran to the bathroom only to find nothing out of the ordinary.
Again, I called Mark and we decided we should go to the doctor. When we got there, we told the nurse and doctor what was going on and how we were probably just over worried first-time parents-to-be. They took my blood, did multiple tests including an ultrasound and trans-vaginal ultrasound, and asked me several questions.
It was a lot of waiting and wondering. Once the doctor came back into the room he said, “Your HCG count is at a 12 and there’s no sign of a fetal sac.” And my naïve self replied back with, “Okay, well I’m still early so that’s normal, right?”
If you know anything about pregnancy you know that this was NOT normal. I was convinced I had time to increase my HCG levels and develop a fetal sac since I was only just about 6 weeks along.
He even asked me again if I was actually pregnant to which I was responded “yes, I had it confirmed on the military base”. At this point there was no sign of pregnancy and he probably thought I was insane.
He then went on to explain things that I can’t recall because I was trying to put this all into words and understand what was happening. He finally said, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out this time, but I don’t see anything showing it won’t work out next time.”
Right then and there it hit me.
I was losing the baby. I was pregnant and now I am not. What do I do?
I couldn’t stop ugly crying.
The nurse then came in and explained how I was going to get what felt like the worst period of my life. It was going to be painful and I was probably going to bleed a lot. To make sure I was stocked up on pads because I couldn’t wear tampons. And that if the bleeding didn’t stop in 7-10 days I would have to come back for and D&C.
Was this real life? Was this actually happening to ME?!
It was. It did.
I remember I spent that whole day sobbing on and off. Mark feeling helpless because he couldn’t understand the physical or emotional pain I was going through. The physical pain was what lasted the longest that week. Of course, it still hurts a little, especially this month, but I now have a beautiful, healthy rainbow baby on his way.
Most days I don’t know how to put into words my feelings or emotions in relation to this experience and I don’t think it’s anything I could ever easily explain to someone. But I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy that’s for sure.
I hope sharing my story has shed a light on this topic of pregnancy loss and that it helps any other women who are going through something similar. Every women, story, and pregnancy is sooo different. So personal. Don’t ever think yours is any less than someone else’s.
If you ever have questions or just want someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to send me a message.
Share your thoughts with me! Comment below or head to my Instagram page (@iamdevonjade)!